Let’s face it, nobody wants to actually talk about suicide. In fact, they are even afraid to say the word. We love to use the word “Trigger” when talking about suicide because I believe it helps us avoid the tough subject. That word “trigger” is used in schools all of the time and is often overused. We have adopted it to a point in society that it gives us an out to actually do something about the student’s trigger, or anyone’s trigger for that matter. It makes us tiptoe around one another, or students, with fear that we might say the wrong thing. However, this approach has not worked. I’ve been screaming on the inside for years, “We have to talk about it so that people do not feel alone and isolated! We have to normalize conversations about suicide!” My fingers have felt on the verge of bleeding, writing two novels and several essays around the subjects of trauma, depression, anxiety, and suicide. I have even been told by schools that the subjects of my novels may be too difficult to talk about to students. “It may trigger them,” I have been told. How about this, instead of creating a “Trigger list” for kids, and assuming they are harmed by everything under the sun, let’s work on helping them understand their triggers by understanding themselves. Same goes for adults. This way, maybe they can work on these issues instead of having it define them.
Unfortunately, I have some experience with suicide. My father was a medical suicide before the term “Assisted Suicide” became a thing. My best friend killed himself. Another good friend was suicide by police, and I have been on the cusp of having suicidal ideation more than I’d like to admit. I have known former students that have killed themselves. All of these suicides have kept me up many nights wondering what else I could have done to help them. I know one thing for certain, it wasn’t staying silent.
What can we do when someone is having suicidal thoughts? First of all, it is painful to hear that someone is thinking about taking their own life. You want to take away their pain. When my friend David started to have suicidal ideation, I did everything I could to help him, mostly listen and be a good friend. When I picked him up from the hospital six weeks before his death, he looked at me and said, “I’m going to need you more than ever.” I took his word for it and offered him a lot of my time, from going on bike rides and sitting on my porch and talking, to simply calling him on the phone regularly. If someone is saying they are suicidal, take them at their word. Believe me, they are not seeking attention, which is what the stigmas of society often try to tell us. Believe them. If you brush off their pain, it will make them reluctant to share their thoughts. Validate their feelings so that they do not have to carry their pain in silence. Silence is suicide’s weapon.
They may feel shame. They will use language like, “I’m such a burden,” and “I don’t know if I can keep going.” You may notice them spending less time with people, sleeping more, giving away items, or other behavior changes. They may even drink alcohol and take drugs in an attempt to numb the pain they feel. If you see any of these signs, and the above signs are not conclusive, reach out to the person and tell them that you are worried about them and ask how you can help support them. That in itself, just showing you care, can help save a life.
It is okay to ask them directly, “Do you want to end your life? Do you have a plan? Do you know how you would end your life?” Even though these conversations can be difficult, it is important to ask them and be clear. It ultimately shows that you care.
Encourage the person to talk about it. Thinking that talking about suicide will make the person more likely to do it is a myth. This way of thinking is old. Yet, we still do it. As I mentioned, I have heard from schools that, “We cannot talk about your novels because the subject of suicide is in them.” The fear of doing or saying the wrong thing is in all of us, but again, and I am saying this loud, SILENCE IS SUICIDE’S WEAPON!
Offer people with suicidal ideation compassion. Don’t brush off their feelings and shame them by saying things like, “Why would you do that and leave your loved ones?” or “You have so much to live for, why would you think this way?” All this does is diminish their pain. It’s like telling someone with depression, “Can’t you just think happy thoughts.” Instead, tell them that you appreciate them sharing their feelings and validate the pain they are expressing. Tell them you are concerned because you care. People that have gotten to the point of having suicidal thoughts are in an incredibly dark place, but I guarantee they are listening to you.
If you continue to offer your support, your loved one or friend may start to feel better after being able to express themselves. Remind them that you are there for them and check in. Even a quick message can remind them that they are not alone. It can offer them a sliver of light through all the darkness.
It is good to ask them if they have reached out to a therapist or even to go to the emergency room, but you cannot force this and telling them what to do may not work. Don’t tell them, “You really need to seek help.” Instead say something like, “Have you thought about talking to a therapist. I want to support you and will listen, but maybe a therapist could offer you more help.” You can also encourage them to call the below numbers for help.
Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 800-273-8255
Suicide and Crisis Lifeline: 988 (available 24/7 and free)
Call the TrevorLifeline at 866-488-7386 or text START to 678678 for support dedicated to LGBTQIA teens and young adults.
There are so many coping strategies that people can use to help themselves, but the reality is, when they have gotten to this place in their life where they consider taking their own life, they may feel like those strategies are not working. They may even feel too exhausted to use their coping strategies. This is when it is important to help them come up with a safety plan. This is why it is important for them to have professional help from a therapist that can guide them to develop a safety plan and share it with loved ones. They may even be too exhausted to call the numbers above. Call them for them and don’t leave them alone.
As I mentioned, I have experienced losing someone to suicide. It can be an awful, heartbreaking experience that leaves you asking the question, “Why?” more times than you can imagine. It does leave you feeling guilty like you could have saved them. I remember after my friend died I was told I had emotional trauma. It took me years to have some of that guilt release and to realize that I did everything I could for him. That’s important to know and understand.
Through my writing and public speaking, I have tried to bring awareness to the subject of suicide. We need to talk more about it and understand it. Avoidance is not the way. Wondering if talking about it will trigger someone is not working. Let's use our voices and help others feel less alone. A reality I have learned in life is that you may be sitting next to someone who seems like they are cheerful, happy, and so on, but inside they are suffering. Another thing I have learned is that no one is immune to developing depression or suicidal ideation, even you. You are not alone!!
I am not a counselor and am in no place to offer clinical advice as only a professional can, but I have lived experience. Through my novels and public speaking, I have had people come to me and say, “Thank you, I feel less alone.” That’s really all that my writing is about. To try to understand the human experience and hopefully help others in the process.
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