Stress

Before Reading, please be mindful that I share this because I want to help people, and I have found that telling stories connects others. Stories make us feel less alone. I do not use any names or anything to identify anyone because that’s not the point. We all have a part to play in the events that happen in our lives. We must take responsibility for our choices, even if they placed us in situations that were less than desirable. Basically, we all need to own our shit. Recognizing that can be liberating. 

Also, before I begin, please be mindful and reflect on how your actions may be causing others stress. We all have a sense of urgency to meet our needs, but sometimes you may be going to someone with your urgent need and that person also had ten others come to them with an urgent need. Just breathe a little and pause. Think for a moment how something that you allowed to stress you out five years ago, or even a year ago, really does not matter anymore. Like the very short stories that I am about to tell, none of it matters anymore. There is nothing I can do about the past, so why give it much thought. Let it go! 

Each day I come home and reflect on my day. I ask a couple of questions, “Did I connect with at least one student and one staff member in a positive, kind way? Did my actions cause anyone stress? If so, how can I repair that?” We are all human and flawed, but perhaps we can focus on kindness and less on causing harm. 

Stress is caused by so many things from loss and grieving, to illness and relationships issues. This is simply one teachers perspective.

It was January of my second year teaching. It was a time that the paperwork was piling up and deadlines needed to be met, and for a teacher, deadlines are sometimes pushed aside because students are the focus. All of the other tasks that you must do are during your prep, which for special education teachers are often taken away for various reasons, so you do it on your own time. There have been many IEP’s over the years that I have written at the dinner table with a glass of vino. Don’t worry, they were done sober and correctly with the interest of the student in mind. During this time, there were many pressures being placed on me and my team. I became sick, most likely the flu, but I did not have time for illness, so I pushed my needs aside. It was within days of feeling sick that I started to see red bumps on my neck. At first, the doctor thought they were sweat bumps from exercising. He was wrong. Within days, I was in horrible pain with shingles. Wait! I thought shingles were for old people and I was only thirty-eight at the time? Nope, shingles is often directly related to stress. Before it was all done, my wife said I had about eighty blisters or so on my neck and shoulders and down my back. I still have scars sixteen years later. 

A few years later, I found myself in a large high school, a big change from the rural one I started out at. Let’s just say it didn’t stick. I witnessed some things there and was asked to do a few things that I morally struggled with. Each day I knew walking into the building that it would be a repetitive cycle of kids being disrespectful or worse, and nothing was done about it. I tapped out in one school year because I felt the stress coming on heavy. I still keep in touch with a couple of students from that short time. I knew if I stayed true to my core beliefs of building relationships that I would be okay. Still, the pressures of the job took its toll, especially when so many things are not within your control. 

A few years after that, I found myself back at  a large school, over 2,000 students, and many struggled with mental health, drugs, gangs, and some had extreme behaviors. I dealt with all of it firsthand. I won’t say a lot about this position. Now that I am out of the fire I realize that there were things I would do differently, but mostly I would still stay true to who I was and what I believed in. Many of the adults that I encountered in this position were wonderful, but enough of them were in it for personal and professional gain. I will leave it at that. I could write an entire book about this position and some of the harm caused there, but I won’t. Nevertheless, it all impacted me because toxic, unethical people spread their poison like ink in water. Many of them moved on, some were given a slight or heavy push to move on, and some were just shuffled around. That’s often how education works. We see a problem and instead of taking care of it, we move the problem elsewhere within the district. Unfortunately, those types of problems don’t go away. What they do is bring stress onto others and make good people, good educators that have their hearts in the right place, leave. It is part of the mass exodus from education that we are currently seeing. By my last year in this position, I became sick with stress, anxiety, and almost daily panic. 

There is a theme here and I could keep writing about it. Yes, I have experienced different districts, different schools, and I am thankful I have because it has allowed me to learn a lot about education, but more importantly, myself. I have seen places that I had hoped to be healthy, but the truth is most places were broken and people did not realize it. They were too deep in the mess to see the truth, or they did not want to. 

Often in education, adults cause more problems for themselves, or each other, than the kids ever thought about doing, this includes parents. We expect students to struggle, cause problems and so on because they are kids, but often the adults are their own worst enemy. They sometimes don’t even realize they are the problem because they lack awareness. I think this is a societal issue. Often, people do not reflect enough to understand what is within their control and what is not. They worry about things that are either not their business or that they have no influence over. Many just make poor decisions based on negative emotions. The problem is when they bring others down with them. It is something we hate to admit. 

My point in telling the above stories is not to complain. There is no “Poor me” coming from my words. It is really to bring awareness to stress and how we often cause our own issues because we get caught in the trap of trying to control the things we cannot. The adults in education cause many more than kids, and that includes parents. With that, I understand how parents are advocating for their children, but they do not have to be harmful and rude while doing so. There is a way to conduct ourselves in the world, and model for our children, and that is kindness and compassion.

I was on my bike last week, trying to peddle out some stress in my mind and body, and something occurred to me. It was one of those moments when you think, “Holy shit!” about something that was there all the time. I thought out loud, “Being an educator has caused me more stress and impacted my mental health in a negative way more than most things have in my life. It has worn me out.” I sat with this thought for a long time. It scared me a little. Then, like I have practiced doing, and has become a major part of my coping arsenal of strategies, I reframed my thought to, “I need to stay true to my values and beliefs. No matter how thin I get spread or how many parents falsely get upset with me, or how many teachers I see cause their own issues, or how many grumpy adults I see on a day-to-day basis being rude to one another, I will stay true to my core and bring kindness and compassion. I will show empathy, but not sympathy.” See, if I don’t try like hell to conduct myself in this manner, my stress levels skyrocket. 

I have noticed once again that in order for me to feel whole, to preserve my peace and way of being, I must control what I can, which is how I conduct myself and respond to others. I cannot do a thing about how someone else conducts themselves. I cannot fix problems that have been ingrained in a culture that spreads throughout many school districts. What I can do is connect with students and staff on a deeper level. I can show them kindness and I can follow through and lend them a kind ear when needed. However, it is not always easy. I am a great empath. I feel everything. I feel the tenseness when I walk into a room. I can feel and see when someone is in pain mentally and physically. It’s a blessing and a curse. Being an empath depletes me and charges me up at the same time. What does this mean? I am either running on a full tank or an empty one, but most times I am filled up halfway. I’m not sure it is good to walk around constantly with a half tank. 

Another revelation that I have had to confront is how much do I have left? As I grow older, gain more experience and insight, I have become less tolerant, or maybe I have just decided that I only have a certain amount of energy to give to certain things, or individuals. I am getting to the point where I am asking, “Is this for me anymore?” We seem to recycle our school years, thinking we are going to make positive change, but many end up in September where they left off in June. It is unfortunate. 

Then, and this is important, I walk into a classroom and there is a tenth grader who is in the middle of having horrible anxiety. I do not know her, but we connect quickly and I sit with her and we work through it together. I tell her about my anxiety in order for her to feel normal and less alone. My purpose returns. After this encounter, down the hall is a teacher who is sitting at their desk, alone, head in hands, and I enter the room and sit with them. We talk about how hard it is to be a teacher and all of the demands that are placed on us. It’s affirming to him. However, he wants to do a good job and feels the stress of not only connecting with kids but planning and paperwork, staff meetings and educator effectiveness, and the list goes on. The list piles up and he feels smothered. He’s drowning already and it is day eight of the school year. How? Why? When did we lose our way and decide it was easier to bury ourselves in needless work than it was to do what a teacher should be doing, which is teach. Yes, teach and connect with students. That is enough. I leave him sitting up straight and remind him that he is not alone. My purpose returns.

Before he leaves he tells me of a negative interaction with a colleague. It is something that was said to him and he is hanging onto it. It is someone who brought a toxic vibe to his space. I told him, “You are not alone in this. As educators we must work together, wrap around one another and offer support. It is what is best for us, but a happy and healthy teacher often makes us more able to connect with students. You will see, the toxic negative people will eventually be left behind. If they choose not to come towards a more positive, kind way of conducting themselves, they will be left alone in their misery. We don’t have time for anything else. Our health and our kids are too important.” 

So, where on earth was I going with all of this? Why the stories and rambling thoughts of weary educators? Well, we finished day nine and I would say I have had private conversations with almost two dozen educators that are struggling with stress. They feel it is already impacting their mental health and the time they spend with their family. Is this really the sacrifice we want to make? I say, “No.” We cannot afford to burn out our staff because we are already spread thin. Many of these people have asked me, “Do you have any tips for stress management?” In fact, I do. It’s a passion of mine to try to help others because I have been through the mud, the darkness, and understand firsthand how much stress, depression, and anxiety can affect you and those you love. Actually, I am sitting here writing this with twenty-four hours of having a panic attack that I guarantee you was caused by stress and lack of sleep. I also fell into a deep depression last week, trying to lift a heavy head off of a pillow, wondering if I can keep going. We do not have to live this way. On a quick side note before I talk about some coping strategies, I will say that I am sure anyone in any profession feels this way. For some odd reason our society has decided it’s okay to burn everyone out and leave you disheartened by the time you retire. That just plain sucks! 

Again, if you think about it, stress causes most problems and when stress gets bad, it boils over our nervous system and toys with all of our emotions, both physical and emotional. Past stress causes trauma, depression, and anxiety. Worrying about things that have not even happened yet causes unneeded stress that leads to more anxiety. Stress is a killer. It has wrecked bodies, minds, families, and steals your peace. Unfortunately, we live in a culture where humans create stress, their own and others. It’s quite ridiculous when you think about it. 

Here we go. Here are some coping strategies that have helped me. I hope they help you. I will list these as strategies for stress, but they are strategies for anything mental health related. Please be mindful that you must practice your coping strategies while feeling good. It is not just for when the storm hits. When you are stressed, depressed, anxious, panicked, and so on, it is extremely difficult to access your strategies. Make them part of your daily routine and they become muscle memory. My list in no particular order and many of these I practice daily:

Yoga: Oh snap! He said it. Non-yogis are always rolling a stressed eye when yoga is mentioned. There is a reason yoga is talked about in conjunction with physical and mental stress. When you learn to practice yoga, you realize that you have stepped onto a mat where much learning will take place and you will be humbled. Yoga will not only challenge your body to move but it will challenge your monkey mind. I cannot tell you how many times I have stepped out of a pose because my mind drifted. I also believe as we age, yoga can be the thing that keeps you young. It reminds your body that it can move gracefully and with strength. It is good to get up and down from the ground. Yoga has made me realize that when I die, I’ll just be in Savasana for the remainder of my journey. 

Meditation: I have found a practice of meditating daily. I sit on my cushion and breathe deeply for about five minutes. I do so to exercise my lungs because our lungs need to expand and contract more rigorously than just walking. However, it’s a time for me to also express gratitude and prepare for the day ahead. However, one does not need to sit and meditate. You don’t have to make it complicated. While my mom was dying for two and  a half years, my body was in a great deal of pain. I woke up daily and struggled to move. All day long, each step was painful and often my neck and jaw were as well. I literally walked around all day meditating and no one ever knew. It became a practice for me to see how focused I could be on my breathwork and mindful of my movements. I needed to do this to survive and cope, but in hindsight, it helped me be more connected to the world around me and the people I encountered. 

Exercise: Dang Chuck! I thought you’d give us something easy. Yes, exercise has been my go to since I was a kid. I didn’t even know it at the time, but I look back now and realize why my eight year old self used to take off running as fast as I could to the railroad tracks and back that were near my home. I had my mom calculate the miles in her big brown station wagon one day. It was a mile and a half. Not a lot, but I ran it as fast as I could. I also use to take off running through the cornfield or woods, and often got some curious glares from the cows in the pasture. Nowadays, I bike, hike (my favorite), strength train (Steve Maxwell is an awesome resource), and do a lot of yoga. I love to just walk too. I used to enjoy trail running but two meniscus surgeries later and that might be a thing of the past (Acceptance is something I’ll talk about soon). 

Writing: I love to write. Many people know that I have had a couple of books published, but to me writing means more than that. It’s a way to get the emotions out. There is a lot of writing that I have never shared and is just for me. Sometimes it is notes to my wife, and others I just make journal entries. One of the things I love to do is while reading and learning, I highlight things that stand out to me in the books. I then take those and put them in a journal that I carry with me so that when I get distraught I can pull them out and remind myself of the words I carry. It grounds me and brings me back to who I want to be and how I want to conduct myself in life. Write! Write until your fingers are tired and your head is clear. 

Read: I read daily. Sometimes it’s fiction and many times it is non-fiction. I often call it, “Study.” I read because it calms me but it also teaches me about the world and allows me to challenge what I am reading or agree with it. When I am absorbed in reading, I am calmer. 

Mindfulness and Thich Nhat Hahn and others: I read Thich Nhat Hahn almost daily. His words just ring true to me and I often listen to him because his voice is calming. I have never met the man but I love him. He has become a mentor to me and I can honestly say that he saved my life. Thich is considered the father of mindfulness. Mindfulness will enhance your life. Eckhart Tolle is another writer that has helped me and his books are well highlighted. I also have gained a lot from Don Miguel Ruiz’s books. 

Stoicism: Once upon a time, when I was a young man trying to figure out what I wanted to do with myself, I thought about becoming a philosophy major and maybe teaching. Of course, my lack of self-worth at the time talked myself out of it. I remember I was sitting in an ethics class and the professor asked the question, “Was Adolf Hitler a good leader?” Of course everyone did the norm and started saying, “No.” I raised my hand and said, “He was a very good leader.” A student raised her voice at me, “How could you say that?” I replied, “The question was if he was a good leader, not if he was an ethical or moral leader. He was able to persuade millions to follow him and his sadistic, completely immoral way, and he led a nation to almost conquer the world. He was a good leader, but not an ethical one.” After class, the professor came to me and thanked me for my response and also suggested that I become a philosophy major. That never happened, but I have always kept my interest in the subject. With that, the past couple of years I have been absorbing the philosophy of Stoicism. I won’t get into all of it but it honestly has helped me become more mentally prepared for life. I read books and essays by Marcus Aurelius, Epictetus, Seneca, and Epicurus. The book, “How to Be a Stoic,” by Massimo Pigliucci is wonderful to read before anything else as a base of understanding. With that, just like mindfulness, it takes practice to become a stoic. 

Acceptance: It is important to accept what you can and cannot control. For instance, if you have anxiety and try to deny or fight it, you will suffer more. The same goes with depression, panic, or trauma. You must sit with it, tend to it, and accept it fully. Grief and loss is the same. I have sat many days in disbelief that my mother is gone and it is difficult to think about life without her. However, I have to accept it and tend to my grieving. If I try to push my emotions to the side, the feelings will grow worse, and actually cause damage. The idea of acceptance goes with so many things. If you are struggling and stressed, you need to sit with it and reflect on the reasons, accept them and then make an action plan to help yourself. You cannot control others' actions or what they say. You can only control your actions and how you respond. Accept this and it will free you. 

Impermanence: Thich Nhat Hahn taught me the idea of impermanence. Everything, including us, is impermanent. Because nothing is permanent, your stress and suffering will also go away. I think about the panic attack I recently had. One of the first thoughts that I had was, “This is impermanent.” That took training to access that thought, but it helped me tend to what I needed and also calm a little knowing that I have had this before and it went away. It will go away again. Impermanence is powerful!

Self-awareness: The past few years, I have been studying and practicing the idea of self-awareness more than any other time in my life. It has brought deep reflection and understanding. You cannot change your circumstances until you change yourself. Awareness is key to so many things in life, including the relationships that you have with others. Sit quietly with yourself and do so often, reflecting on how you are conducting yourself in life and if you are okay with that. If not, make the changes you want to happen. I believe life is constant training and learning. There is never an end. 

Sleep: Sleep is crucial for healing your mind and body. I am working on this but when I don’t sleep it’s due to stress. If I am rested, I am more prepared. 

Nutrition: What I am about to say is not to shame anyone or make anyone feel bad. We have a problem in this country with nutrition and people being overweight and unhealthy. They eat a lot of processed foods and sugar. I have seen people that will eat fast food every day but then claim they can’t afford fruit. The internet is full of misleading information on nutrition and it confuses people further on what they should and should not eat. I say, eat a lot of vegetables and fruit. Eat single ingredient foods. For instance, chicken is a single ingredient and so are beans and nuts. Start reading labels and if there are multiple ingredients, especially ones you cannot not pronounce, put it back. People love to argue about nutrition. I follow the Mediterranean diet and Blue Zone way of eating. Sure, I like a good burger or pizza as well as anyone, but I don’t feel good after, so I don’t do it as often. Bad nutrition is directly related to poor mental health as well as good nutrition is related to good mental health. You make a choice about what you eat. Again, there will be people that say fruit and veggies are too expensive. Compare those items to your packaged, processed foods, and the meals that you can cook at home compared to going out to eat, and I think you will see the difference. 

Nature: If you are stressed, put yourself in nature and do it often. Do it when you are not stressed. I love to hike and many times, I just hike to a downed tree and sit. I listen to the natural sounds around me. There are other times when I hike and stop to touch the bark of a tree, and others when I take my shoes off and walk barefoot or stand with the souls of my feet feeling the earth. I believe when we spend more time in nature, we are more likely to take care of it. Nature heals. 

Therapy: Get yourself a good therapist. They can help. Be mindful that if the therapist you chose isn’t working, go find another until you get a good fit. I don’t see a therapist that much anymore. I learned from a wonderful therapist for two decades, and utilize what he has trained me on. A good therapist can help you become more self-aware and give you strategies for your particular problem. 

The information that I have given here is not meant to counsel anyone or replace therapy. It is just things that have helped me throughout the years. It has helped me through some extremely dark times.

It takes a lot to take care of ourselves. No one is coming to save you. You have to put in the work. However, you don’t have to do it alone. This is why I share and am transparent. I care about people and want to help through my words. It is hard to hear that no one is coming to save you and there’s no easy way, no quick fix, but you are worth it. Your life is worth living to the best of your ability. You will suffer but you will have a lot of joy. 

A quick lesson from Thich Nhat Hahn:

“There is a Buddhist teaching found in the Sallatha Sutta, known as The Arrow. It says if an arrow hits you, you will feel pain in that part of your body where the arrow hit; and then if a second arrow comes and strikes exactly at the same spot, the pain will not be only double, it will become at least ten times more intense.

The unwelcome things that sometimes happen in life—being rejected, losing a valuable object, failing a test, getting injured in an accident—are analogous to the first arrow. They cause some pain. The second arrow, fired by our own selves, is our reaction, our storyline, and our anxiety. All these things magnify the suffering. Many times, the ultimate disaster we’re ruminating upon hasn’t even happened.”