There will come a time when I will say goodbye to this world that I now occupy space in. I do hope I get to drain as many years as I can out of this body, mind, and life. I once had a friend, who has seen heaven before me, give me a sticker that reads, “Live your life like your ass is on fire.” I have tried, in a tame way, to do so. I say “tame” because that is what a good woman has done for me. She made me want to better myself, achieve a few things that often seemed unreachable, and not self-destruct. I often think about what I may have been like without her. I would possibly have fought in a few wars, drowned myself in a bottle, taken a few more risks where I would have gladly destroyed my body and mind. I wanted to be near her, close, able, so I have only had moments where I lived like “My ass is on fire.” I’m not sure if that makes any sense to anyone but myself, but when someone comes along and makes you want to live deeply, healthy, mindfully, they simply change your life. They calm you. Oh, she knows I’ll always go to the woods, possibly search for bears and mountain lions, climb a few trees or a side of a cliff that I don’t always tell her about, but I live for her and try to keep sane and healthy so I can exist alongside her, not ahead or behind.
My hope when my time comes to move on to that other place, maybe heaven or wherever we go, is that I left something behind. Perhaps I made someone smile, or a story I told helped them. Maybe one day, there will be a young person that walks into a bookstore and happens to pick up one of my novels and they realize, “These characters are me. I feel less alone.” Mostly, I hope that woman I mentioned knows how deep my love was for her. It is enough to fill a thousand oceans, a million wells, and when my eyes shut that last time, I want her to hear my whisper for the remainder of her days telling her, “I love you.”
I have thought about what I want heaven to be like when I pass over. That moment when my breath leaves my lungs and I am no longer occupying this body. I hope that I arrive at a place that has orange and yellow sunrises and sunsets, with a tint of red, and at night the stars are like jewels in the sky. I want to walk across a meadow full of wildflowers where the scent is vibrant, hinting at the smell of mint or rose. My senses will be intoxicated as I walk slowly, mindfully, taking in my surroundings and then suddenly through the high grass, cattails, and flowers, the sound of barking will rush closer and I will be grateful to be knocked down to the dirt ground below me by several paws. My friends will be there greeting me: Shadow, Payton, Hazel, Maddie, Birdie, and probably a few more dogs by then. They will play-bow me and kiss my face, picking up where we left off. Shadow will have a ball ready for me to throw. Payton will have my hiking boot in his mouth giving me a not so subtle hint as to what he wants to do. Hazel will look me directly in the eye and lick my cheek showing her love. Maddie will come close and place her head tightly, securely, into my chest and hold it there, and Birdie will lay a frisbee at my feet, and then optimistically look behind me to see if her momma is there. I will tell her, “Soon girl, but it’s not her time yet.” Birdie will accept this and then move back into her playful posture.
Behind the dogs will be the cats waiting, for all of them will make me come to them. That’s what cats do. You must earn their love, and I already have. Angel will lay on my lap, Ziggy will rub his whiskers against my face, and Chloe will sit on my shoulder like she always did, purring into my ear. Ernie, well, he will be like Birdie and look beyond me, waiting for the love of his life, Karen. I will have to assure him that she too will be coming when she’s ready.
As I sit with my friends around me, another will appear. It will be David. I will hug him and we will not ask any questions, but just enjoy one another, laughing as we once did. Then, he will drift off once again back to where he needs to be, his heaven, but my question as to “Why? Why did he do it?” will be gone and relieve my torn mind.
The wildflowers will then split and my dad will appear. He will have our dog, Heidi, at his side. She was a wonderful shorthaired pointer who gave me her love when I needed it most. My dad will simply shake my hand, and then he will do something that he never did while he was alive. He will hug me and say, “Son, I am proud of you. I love you.” He too will move on, knowing that the words “Son, I love you,” will heal my soul.
Dave will stop by and see me. A man of few words he will simply say with a full smile, “Thank you for loving my daughter.” By that time, Ruth may be with him but it’s difficult to predict if I will have the privilege and opportunity to be an old man or my death will come tomorrow. It is why I cannot picture the living, the ones still here on Earth, who are in my life, as part of my heaven. Life is like that, we don’t know when anyone’s time will come.
Charlotte will then come to me, all of the dogs and cats will circle around her because it is Charlotte who greeted them and took care of them when they entered heaven. I know she did. Charlotte was a dog whisperer and each time one of them passed, I heard that whisper come to take them with her. She will give me one of her strong, hardy hugs, wrapping me in her arms (Charlotte always hugged as if it was her last one), and she will grin at me, staring me straight in the eyes, and I will tell her, “Thank you! Thank you for everything. My students thank you too.” She will smile knowing that she was one of my greatest teachers and helped me deliver a thousand lessons to thousands of young minds.
The sun will then fill my eyes and I will see on the horizon a figure walking towards me. I know the silhouette of her frame, the slow, gentle stride, and the wildflowers will part, making a path, and they will stand a little taller out of respect. She will appear before me, holding her arms out to greet me with a welcoming, loving hug. In her arms, I will know that I am home. Then, she will look at me, and our eyes, which are one and the same, will connect and she will say in her southern drawl, “Son, I am so proud of the life you lived.” And then, those three words will come from her that I have heard a million times. Three words that helped a young boy survive, and three words that helped a man fill a lifetime, “I love you!” I have never been in my mother’s presence where she hasn’t told me she loves me.
It will be a wonderful greeting in a place that I hope exists for us all. That is faith. I will once again run the trails with my furry friends and sit and tell stories with my mom. I will laugh with Charlotte as she keeps us all in our place, honest, and I will wave at my father from across the prairie grass as he knows I have forgiven him years ago. I will then wait patiently. I will wait for her, my love, to come and see me so that we can reunite and continue our journey together. For it is her that fills my soul and heart. I will greet her after all of her furry friends, her dad, and her mother all come to her. I will smile upon her and hold her with strong, able arms, and look into the beauty of her blue eyes that shine a little brighter among the colors of the wildflowers we stand among. Then, as the sunsets off in the distance, I will take her hand, a familiar feeling, and guide her along the path that we will walk together for an eternity.
This is my heaven and much of it, as I realize while writing these words, is my current life here on earth. It’s why I do not want to waste any of it. I will live my life like my ass is on fire. Thank you, Richard, for the reminder.
Commentaires